I'm not sure what took so long to just sit and write what's been going on in my life...but I think I'm just in a better place mentally and spiritually that I finally can.
Dec 2011: Came Out
Most people in my life were far from surprised that I came out openly gay...but honestly it took me a long time for it to "click." 28 years to be exact. I don't know how else to explain it. I didn't expect it, but it was also the most honest I've ever been with myself. And sharing that with others was difficult to a point, but beyond liberating. Trying to understand myself better came with the risk of losing everything (so I thought)...and it's not that I didn't lose a lot, but gained so much more. And understanding that, took until now to really comprehend what I was doing for myself. Giving myself the freedom to love like I have always wanted to. Without questioning my intentions for caring about others. And in the process of it all unraveling around me...I fell for someone who was very unavailable. And even though things didn't go as I thought they might or hoped...I always said, that even if it didn't work out, I'd never go back in the closet. I think that friendship that turned to more helped me come out faster and owe a gratitude to her like no one else, but I think I was also coming to place of acceptance...seeing that I was entertaining the idea so much with her. But she will always hold a special place in my heart.
Jan/Feb 2012: Excommunicated From My Church
Ohh "the church." You know I realized after I came out to my pastors, why other gay people I knew and had long conversations with didn't want to go back to the church. I knew that there was a very large chance that I was going to be stripped of my leaderships roles, but to be told I was no longer welcome back unless I was willing "to change," just seemed to throw the dagger in the side of me. I won't go into details about what exactly happened, but what I will say...is that coming to "agree to disagree" opinion was NOT in the cards. I didn't want to lose my church family, people I called friends, and my place of worship...but that's exactly what happened. I didn't hear from most of them and still haven't (2 years later). There were a few, that I can count on one hand, that stood by me through it all and some even left the church because of how my situation was handled (apparently something similar had happened not too long before I joined the church). I don't have any grudges or ill will towards that church or the people in it. It was just how horrible the whole thing was handled and I hope they finally learn that love doesn't come through abandonment or a shunning.
Have I forgive them: Yes, I've forgiven them all.
Will I ever go back? Probably not, but I'll never say never.
Have I gone to another church? Yes and currently still attending.
Dec 2012: Engaged
A year after coming out...falling in love, things not going exactly as I thought they might, dating, falling in love (I know...I sound like the typical lesbian...not a U-haul lesbian though. Came real close though...lol)...but after sometime...I found the person I was always supposed to find. Honestly, God gave her to me. I didn't know how my much I needed her in my life. She makes me a better person. She makes me stronger. She calls me on my passive aggressive bullshit or just normal bullshit...hahaha. She loves God as much as I do and knows that he comes first in our relationship. She makes me laugh constantly and she's simply gorgeous. Can you tell I'm smitten? I know...for some of you that know me well...you're not used to me talking like this, but it's because I never found anyone that was worth talking about like this. I didn't date a lot of people growing up and no one was worth being in a long term relationship because I knew it wasn't going anywhere, but with her...with her I always knew that this is where I wanted to be. Engaged and then married to her for the rest of our lives. This is what I have always dreamed about...sharing my life with someone that was WELL WORTH THE WAIT. She's my everything and that's why I asked her to marry me. Of course she said yes and here we are.
July 2013: Present Moment In Time
I went from teaching several dance classes a week & 3-4 other jobs to one full time job with the family business. A lot has changed in the past couple of years being home from Nashville, but all with a purpose of spiritual & character growth. I know I am not the same person who went to Nashville 11 years ago or even the one who came home from it almost 4 years ago. I am stronger in every sense of the word and happier than I have ever been. I don't know what else this year has in store for me, but I can say that I am very excited about what the next 5-10 years have for me and my family. I am blessed and thankful for everyday I have with the love of my life.
